Paulson's Big Haul
Hedge fund investor John Paulson made $5 billion last year. That's enough money to pay the pensions of three retired members of Congress!



Egyptian Crackdown
The Egyptian government has shut down Internet service in the face of violent protests across the country. There goes all the profits Amazon was hoping to make from selling flammable tires online.



GM Says "No Thanks"
GM says it no longer needs the $14.4 billion loan it had applied for from the government to become more energy efficient... but it will still need another $200 billion bailout from the government when no one buys the Chevy Volt.



NFL Lockout Warning
The NFL says a labor lockout or strike would cost the league $400 million per week. That's $100 million for the teams, and $300 million in lost retainers for all the players' domestic violence defense attorneys.




Carney Gets the Job
Former Time magazine reporter Jay Carney will become the new White House spokesman. Carney will continue to act as a mouthpiece for the Obama administration, now he'll just get paid by the government to do it.






January 28th


1547: Henry VIII dies, allowing hundreds of Englishmen the chance to finish eating the rest of the enormous turkey leg he choked on.


1935: Iceland becomes the first Western country to legalize abortions, making the procedure the second most popular Icelandic pastime after suicide.


1965: The current design of the Flag of Canada is chosen by an act of Parliament. Shockingly, no beer or hockey pucks are represented.