Apple Suit
Apple is suing Amazon for using the term "app store." Next the company is suing the trees in upstate New York for outrageously growing fruit called "Apples."



NFL Realities
Due to the NFL lockout, the players are now having to pay for their own health care. But the owners aren't being totally hard-hearted, they're still providing the players with what they really need... free criminal defense lawyers.



Cap and Trade Ruling
A California superior court judge has put the state's sweeping new greenhouse gas emissions laws on hold. Before the state can curb them, the judge wants to makes sure the emissions are not being discriminated against because they're gay.



U. of I. Increases
The University of Illinois is imposing a 6.9% tuition hike. Luckily, that hike won't go into effect until someone at the school can figure out how to use a calculator... which could take years.



No Drugs for Pets
Drug makers Sanofi and Merck are abandoning plans to market a new line of health care products for pets. The profit potential was huge, but the companies finally learned that animals are lousy at filling out insurance forms.




March 22nd


1621: The Pilgrims of Plymouth Colony sign a peace treaty with Massasoit of the Wampanoags… giving the white men year-round access to low-cost cigarettes and 24-hour slots.


1960: Arthur Leonard Schawlow and Charles Hard Townes receive the first patent for a laser… but neither would live long enough to see their dream of having the laser remove unwanted hair from people’s asses.


1997: The Comet Hale-Bopp has its closest approach to Earth… but it does far less damage than the Hanson song MMMBop.