Postal Cuts Blocked
The U.S. Postal Service wants to cut back to five-day-a-week service to save money. But Congress, the White House, and the nation's dogs won't allow it.



Big Catch
The Taliban's top military commander has been captured in Afghanistan. U.S. troops are rushing to bring him his lawyers as soon as possible.



Miller Takes Bronze
U.S. Skier Bode Miller took the bronze medal in the downhill yesterday. Miller would have won the event, but he was slowed by the 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor in his pocket.



Bayh Bows Out
Senator Evan Bayh is not running for re-election. Bayh wants to compete in an arena where his moderate nature and good manners will stand out... so he's entering the Westminster Dog Show.



Bomb Found
A pipe bomb was found yesterday near a pond at Pierce College in California. All the biology professors recently refused tenure have been detained for questioning.






February 16th


1249: Andrew of Longjumeau is dispatched by Louis IX of France to meet with the Mongols. The Mongols appreciate the gesture, and find Longjumeau to be delicious.


1968: In Haleyville, Alabama, the first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system goes into service. Most of the emergency calls come from people complaining about gristle in their pork chops.


2005: The National Hockey League cancels the entire 2004-2005 regular season. Thousands of Dentists declare bankruptcy across the United States and Canada.