New Gardasil Use
The FDA has now approved using Gardasil to fight anal cancer. Previously, the best defense against the disease was not dating Ryan O'Neal.



UAW Moves
The UAW is planning to picket the non-union, foreign car plants operating in the U.S. In a separate move, the UAW is also helping dumb kids beat up the good students who ruin the curves in public schools.



Layoff Study
A new study shows that teacher layoffs that target newer teachers first hurt students the most... except for the students who stand a better chance of fighting off the sexual advances of the more elderly teachers.



Oakland Pot Delay
The City of Oakland has postponed its plans to start a large scale, industrial medical marijuana plant. It turns out no one working at a pot plant can stay focused for more than 15 minutes at a time.



Spider-Man Returns
Spider-Man on Broadway is reopening tonight pending some new safety measures, including Playbills that can be converted into a giant protective shield for the audience.






December 23rd


962: Byzantine troops storm the city of Aleppo… then suddenly realize that storming any city is kind of meaningless when toilet paper is still at least 800 years from being invented.


1783: George Washington resigns as commander-in-chief of the Continental Army in order to spend more time at home chasing female slaves.


2008: The Guinean military engineers a coup d'état, and announces that it plans to rule the country until a new presidential election… or the release of a new Grand Theft Auto video game, whichever comes first.