Edwards Case
Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is now under a grand jury investigation for allegedly trying to cover up a sex tape with his mistress.
The court is trying to determine if the recording was for Edwards' personal use or just an audition tape to hang out with Charlie Sheen.



Pension Emergency
The bad news is the pensions for federal and state workers is $1.5 trillion underfunded. The good news is they're willing to hire lots more senior citizens in China.



Carry On Cost
The TSA says people who choose to carry on luggage on flights are costing taxpayers $250 million per year... but giving its workers millions of dollars worth of free gropes and "searches"



Indian Mob Killing
A mob of fired workers in India burned to death an executive in their former company today. They were all actually auditioning for a role in Michael Moore's next movie.



Bad Comparison
A U.S. State Department spokesman is comparing the terrorist attack that killed two U.S. soldiers in Germany with the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford in Arizona... except this time, the shooting only seems to have caused brain damage for the U.S. State Department.




March 4th

1519: Hernan Cortes arrives in Mexico in search of the Aztec civilization, and a place to spread the best European diseases.

1997: President Bill Clinton bans federally funded human cloning research… except for hot chicks with no inhibitions.

2002: Canada bans human cloning, because there are no real humans to clone in Canada in the first place.